From the Other Side of the Door
by VioletStella
Summary: Elsa's thoughts at the end of "Do You Want To Build a Snowman?" Spoilers up to that point.


From the Other Side of the Door

Takes place at the end of "Do You Want To Build a Snowman?" Spoilers up to that point.

Elsa sat slumped against the door of her room, more alone than ever. She ached to open the door to her beloved sister's grief; but couldn't. Anna was already carrying a heavy burden in handling this crisis, she couldn't add the knowledge of her secret to her sister's pain. The door was a physical barrier, but the stronger barrier was the years of estrangement between them. The long ago accident had cost each one of them their best friend, the only person who could understand what it was like to grow up as a princess. Now, their parents were gone, leaving only a pain so deep in her heart she didn't see how she would ever recover. Everyone who was precious to her was taken from her. Elsa felt the pain of these traumas and blamed herself for all of them, even though she could not be blamed for any of them. So lost was she in her grief that she had no concept of time, so when she heard Anna walk away from the door she had no idea if Anna had been there for a few minutes or for hours. She longed to run to her, to hug her, but how could she? She couldn't risk losing her sister in addition to losing her parents, if she lost Anna she would never recover. The pain of the present and the past overwhelmed her; "I'm sorry, Anna," she said in a strangled whisper from her prison where she continued to isolate herself, even when they needed each other the most.

Alone, always alone, she watched as the ice continued to cover the walls. She burst into tears; there had been too much loss, too much solitude, too much to hide. When her tears hit the floor they crystalized, adding to the patterns taking over the room. All the emotion she had sublimated through the years was now crashing through her slim defenses; she had never made much progress in being able to control her power. Her parents were always more focused on pretending; repression instead of control, ignore it and it would go away, hoping she'd grow out of this little quirk of hers.

Repress, repress, ignore, ignore, stifle, suffocate, control; pretend she wasn't who she was. For so many years she'd tried and all she'd done was create a chasm between her sister and herself wider than any fjord in Arendelle. There were times when she felt like she was suffocating in her own body, but still the icy patterns formed. Today, she knew it would be useless to even try to repress, she gave in to her emotions, creating a snowstorm in the middle of the room which swirled and calmed according to the waves of her grief, leaving a snowdrift near her wardrobe. This 'attack' was the worst of her whole life.

Elsa looked around her room; one word was running through her mind, one which had consistently berated her for years: "Failure," she condemned herself, "you're a failure to your parents, a failure to your sister, a failure to yourself." Hiding the truth of her being for so long caused Elsa to form false truths of herself; she was most certainly not a failure, she was someone unaware of the beauty of her gifts. How could she have known the grace within? It had been crushed in her at such a young age, creating a sense of 'less than' in her, and a life of isolation and insecurity.

Elsa could see nothing but failure in her past and present, she'd let her parents down by hurting Anna all those years ago; and now she'd let parents down by staying away from their services. She wanted to go, but was terrified she'd lose control and ice up the entire cemetery. She couldn't risk shocking the already reeling citizenry; so she in effect quarantined herself, her affliction barring her from even mourning her parents in public. She should have been there as the leader of the people; to support Anna, to show that Arendelle would survive. Her absence was another failure she added on to the avalanche of negativity in her head.

As though the past and the present weren't distressing enough; to them she added thoughts of her future. In the recesses of her mind she knew that one day she would be Queen; but this had always been so far away that it was an abstract concept to her. Suddenly the reality of her eventual coronation was crystal clear; and it terrified her. How would she ever be a good Queen if she couldn't even attend the service for her parents? If she hadn't yet learned how to control her powers after all these years, how could she hope to do so in the few short years she had left before she ascended to the throne?

If only Anna had been the elder sister; then she would be Queen and Elsa would be free. She'd be able to go...anywhere, find solitude, someplace where she didn't have to hide. There had to be somewhere; a place that existed where she wouldn't bring shame on her sister. She could go, and never return to Arendelle, maybe the citizens would forget she ever existed. After all, how would she ever be able to fulfill the expectations of the people of Arendelle if she stayed? How would she interact with the public? Conduct trade? Marry? "I am not fit to be Queen," her mind accused; and she believed this accusation. Thoughts of abdication swirled in her head. Could she? Dare she? No; of course she couldn't, she had to be the good girl. She had to uphold her parents' expectations of her. She couldn't let them down again; abdication was out of the question.

Her room was turning into her own personal snow globe. The windows were covered with gorgeous patterns of ice, but their beauty was lost on Elsa. The walls and ceiling were shimmering with the effects of Elsa's fears. This was another part of the tragedy, that Elsa's deepest hurts created such beauty; a beauty she could not even take solace in as the appearance of the ice only reminded her that she failed to keep control...again. To her each crystal was an indictment. She'd tried so hard throughout the years; shutting out her sister, denying herself any fun. She studied, she practiced, she worked to suppress what she felt to be a curse and all she had to show for it was an empty room and an empty life. A life now made even lonelier by the loss of her parents and the further estrangement of her sister.

How could her parents leave her like this? She needed them; desperately, needed their help and their secrecy. They were the only people with whom she could share the knowledge of this curse; and now they were gone. How was she going to get through this alone? The isolation that had long been part of her life was now intensified. Her anger caused the snowstorm to howl. Their family had long ago splintered and she no longer had any idea how to communicate with her treasured little sister. They were now bereft and alone; she ached and she knew Anna was aching too, but there was nothing she could do. Comfort was not available for either of them, she had to stay in her prison of a room, and Anna had to wander through a lonely castle, confused and bereft not only of her parents, but her sister as well.

Why couldn't she control this just long enough to grieve with her sister? The ache in her soul permeated her entire being, another burst of snow fell heavily over the painting of her parents, evaporating before hitting the portrait itself. She had to force herself to stay in her room, even though she desperately wanted to run to Anna. Leaving the room would be a betrayal to her parents and the vow she'd made as a child. She'd promised them she wouldn't harm Anna, and she wouldn't go back on that no matter how much it cost her. The cost was already too great; her friendship with her sister was long ago sacrificed for what she and her parents considered to be the greater good.

Elsa stayed in her room, suffocating her gifts; inadvertently creating another tragedy. Her silence hurt Anna more than knowledge of her magic could. If only she had the courage to be honest with her sister they would have been able to face their parents' deaths together, to share their heartbreak; find comfort and support in each other. Being able to be with someone going through the same experience would have been beneficial to both of them; but instead there was only silence and solitude.

Why couldn't she just fit in? Be normal. It was a lifelong dream. "You're different, therefore something's wrong with you," her thoughts harassed her, and she hadn't yet realized that different is awe-inspiring. Instead she made a choice at an age when no one could be expected to make a fair assessment of the truth. She chose to believe she was flawed, harmful; not worthy of loving and being loved. She was ashamed and angry with herself for letting her sister down and even after all this time she still hadn't forgiven herself. She'd never shared these thoughts with her parents, believing they blamed her as well and couldn't share her pain. The accident was her fault, their fractured family was her fault, everything that went wrong was always her fault. This decision had created tragic consequences through the years and was continuing to do so today. Elsa couldn't see her own beauty, only the hurt her unschooled gift had brought to her family.

For so long she'd denied the truth of her being, crushing her own spirit, punishing herself for who she was. She was lost, there had never been anyone she could depend on to help her manage her power. No teacher, no one to guide her or even talk to; she had to make this journey alone. Her parents loved her, she knew that, but even they were overwhelmed and not able offer her any advice on a situation they had no experience with.

No one had ever told her that she was gifted and that her power was exquisite; a joy to reveled in, not to be ashamed of or feared. Her soul was meant to soar, not suffocate. She should be cherished, not scorned. The traits which defined her were sources of strength, not disgrace. So deep were Elsa's ingrained beliefs that even if someone were able to break through her façade to tell her the truth, she would not have comprehended their words. Her beliefs were frozen, as hard and as dangerous as an icicle in January. She had no concept that these beliefs were wrong and even if she had, she would not have understood that they could ever be melted.

Still sitting slumped against the door Elsa cried as the room continued to crystalize around her.


End file.
